What should I tell the kids??
It has always amazed me, how I, being a nurse , a total stranger to the patients I care for, share with me the most personal aspects of their lives. As a nurse I have been allowed to see and know details that no other profession is privy too. I have considered it a privilege .... I have received many lessons through the lives of others ...Many patient and family encounters.. have changed my path.... This is an encounter that did just that...
Rural ED: 1999
Its night shift. Around 11:30. I'm the RN.
The ambulance has brought in a 68 year old male in full cardiac arrest. he was found down in the bedroom by his wife . He has a long history of cardiac disease. He has had Bypass surgery and is on multiple medications for Hypertension and hyperlipidemia. He has had two MI's.
He is cyanotic , his pupils are fixed and dilated. The cardiac monitor shows asystole or flat line. He was given every 1st line resuscitation drug in route to the ED by the paramedics. He is intubated and is being bagged with a BVM (bag valve mask).. to deliver O2 to his lungs. He has been under CPR for 30 minutes.
He is gone.
The nursing supervisor is helping me. The Doc asks that I find the wife and give her an update. He is going to give one more round of drugs and then cease with all measures, or call the code.
I am to prepare her for the inevitable.
I find her in the quiet room next to the ED. She is alone. She is dry eyed. A handsome women in her late 60's. I explain what has been done for her husband and what the plann is..She says: "He was gone when I found him...I just knew .. may I be with him when you stop?" Of course I tell her. We should go now. Follow me. I prepare her for what she will see.
She holds my hand when we enter the trauma suite..she has the hands of a women who knows work.
I share with the code team her wishes. They nod, their eyes are full of sympathy...The Doc tonight is a kind man. He is comfortable in the face of death, he slowly slips his arm around her shoulder and leads her to the bedside...He gently explains that there is no hope.
"Tell him what you want him to know, we don't know when the brain stops hearing."
There is not a dry eye in the room.
She smiles at her husband and bends down until her lips touch his ear. She tells him wonderful things,I ,by this know they were in love and their life together was good, she whispers a last endearment and turns away.
She looks at the doctor and nods. We stop. The team slowly begins to leave the room, she reaches out and touches each hand.
She looks lost now. What is next .
I walk back to quiet room with her. I explain the next steps. Is there someone I can call for you, I ask.
" I called my children before I left home. They will be here in an hour, she looks panicked...they don't know he is gone."
A look of anguish and doubt crosses her face. "What will I tell them.?"
Just tell them the truth...I reply..I'll stay with you, if you wish.
She starts to cry and her face does not display grief, but conflict and quilt. "They will never forgive me!!!!IF I JUST HADN'T.... her sobs take over. Her anguish is palpable. She bows her head and covers her face with her hands.
I'll go make some coffee. I say. Ill be back... If you need to talk..ill listen.
I go to do this..something is not right... my thoughts are racing...Shes the loving wife....right??? why the guilt??? OH MY GOD DID SHE KILL HIM!!! Is that why the guilt??? If she JUST HADN'T WHAT??? Did she slip him an extra dose of his heart medicine??? Impossible. Maybe they had a BIG fight and right in the middle of it HE HAD THE BIG ONE. Oh my.
I return to find her calm.
We sit and sip coffee.
"I need to get this off my chest". She finally says.
She begins.
We had a romantic evening tonight...champagne... candles... I made a special dinner.. and we made love...good love....Great sex...!!!! we have always had a good sex life...it was important to both of us....after his heart surgery..well... we slowed a bit... But tonoc...it was like old times....I know what the kids think , that,...that part of our lives is over ...they would be shocked... we are old....to them.....she smiles...but to us.... She continues...
I left him on the bed.....and went to the bath room .. I was gone no more than 1o minutes....when I came out , he was on the bed, where I left him.. except...he was blue.. his face....she chokes....
I knew..he was gone...I called 911...the rest you know. She looks devastated.
She had shared..... such wonderful secrets of their last minutes together...Her guilt makes sense now....
What did I know of this..nothing. I had made wrong choices.. I had never known love like this....... I felt jealous!!!! I envied her...She had what I was convinced I would never have
I said what I felt.....no longer nurse to patient.....but women to women.
You are lucky.
She looks puzzled.
What you have had....what I wouldn't give...you had what others only dream of having...
She quietly reached out and patts my arm....be patient..wait...learn what to look for.
She spent a bit sharing things about their lives together....memories now....
yes I was lucky.. she ended... I have enough memories to see me through the rest of my life.
More coffee....
What do I tell the kids???
You can tell them as much or as little as ..you choose. This is personal...
Ill tell the the truth.. they would know...could you be here.. they will have medical questions..
Of course.
We wait....
The family arrives.. 2 sons and a daughter. Tense faces..expecting the worse yet hoping for the best....
They embrace and their mom tells them that dad is gone....tears and sobs...they huddle together on the couch..questions...now...How?? What happened?? What was he doing???
I watch....
Her face is calm..her eyes sad. She tells them...I am not prepared for what happens next.
The oldest son jumps from his chair...."WAY TO GO DAD!!!!!!!!He clapps his hands.
The daughter hugs her mom.. I know you feel horrible...don't. Please don't....its just the way it is...You must feel like it's your fault....its not.
The youngest has been quiet...He speaks.. he has a grin.. Its just the way dad would want to go. He lived life...he would want it to end as he lived.....Fully....No rest home for my dad....
They ask me a few questions... My part is done.. I hear crying and words of support...As I walk out the door I hear...
What are we going to tell the rest of the family..????

